Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Who’s Got an Elephant or Three?

Posted by Steve Wickham

Forgive and forget wrongs — again and again and again!
~Janvrin & Selleck.

When our backs are against the wall we invariably bring out the big guns - those unsorted relational dilemmas that we really haven't forgiven or forgotten like we said we had. The plain fact is those who don't forgive and forget wrongs propel their relationships to a land of unforgiveness and hence distrust and uncertainty.

At least three types of elephants can form and intrude on the relationship, spoiling much collective good work that's previously been accomplished.

The Memory of an Elephant

In some respects it pays not to have a good memory. Wisdom dictates those things that are irresolvable we must simply resolve as 'accepted as-is' - or we'll only cause ourselves and our partner's ongoing pain as the madness is re-hashed over and again.

There is a great maturity in accepting the things we cannot change. There are things in all relationships that are tested in this way; things we'd have changed about our partners in a flash given the chance. But acceptance is the magic elixir every time.

An Elephant in the Room

Whether it's the stark body language or whether there's absolutely nothing giving it away, there are times in all relationships when the elephant in the room is not acknowledged. This actually builds and exacerbates the tension, contributing to the first elephant - when push comes to shove all the elephants come tumbling out of the closet.

The elephants in our marital rooms need to identified and acknowledged. Again, denial of the issues that grate only puts the important off - it can only ever spill over eventually in anger.

Feet like an Elephant

Whether it is feet like an elephant or the huffing and puffing around the house, the sullen mood does nothing productive for the relationship but place the same walls and barriers up that existed yesterday, last month, two years ago.

When we make a commitment to forgive and forget it means we also commit to doing our own internal work to process such things so they're truly no longer issues - we've resolved them, properly. This of itself is a process i.e. it doesn't happen overnight.

Anger and resentment are caustic factors in all relationships, particularly marriage relationships. These two - amongst others - have the power to destroy that which is good between you both. Will you let that happen or work together to deal with the truth, promoting peace and harmony, squashing anger and resentment at source?

Truly, forgive and forget!

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